Monday, May 14, 2012

Being A Mom...

I'll never forget the day that I gave birth to Skylar. As soon as her little body slipped out of mine, they put her warm tiny figure on my chest and I just stared. Amazed. Life just came out of me. I am a mother and it's my honor to take care of this little baby who will hopefully grow up to love and respect me as I teach her how to navigate through this world.

I'll also never forget the day that I held Skylar as she took her last breath. I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She was a big girl - almost 2 years old. Everything about her amazed me still. I think about how she found such joy and wonder in the life around her. She taught me so much... why would God take her from me? Hearing her last breath and then nothing... well, it was something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was very clear that her body was an empty shell after that, which soon became purple and cold. There was no life inside anymore and she was gone.

I believe that now her life is in Heaven and she can have it to the fullest. However, I must admit that it really really sucks being a mom without a child. I miss taking care of her, rubbing my hands through her silky strawberry-blonde hair, snuggling together while watching the latest animated movie, or her favorite, Finding Nemo. I wish I could still play with her, make her smile or even better, giggle. We still had so much left to do...

My heart goes out to all the other moms out there who have lost children and have to face this holiday for the first time, and every time after that. It's not easy. Yesterday was a painful reminder of my loss and the emptiness that's filled the hole Skylar left. Thankfully, my husband, family and friends were there to support me and love me.

I am learning that "it gets better with time" is a big fat lie. I don't think I will ever miss my baby any less than I did the day she left me. I am missing a piece of me - a piece of my heart - that I will never get back. I may learn how to cope better over time, but it will never hurt any less while I am on this Earth.

My heart also goes out to all of the children out there who are without mothers. I have to imagine that this day is very painful for you as well. I wish that everyone passed away in a peaceful way from old age, but I know that's not reality and some people have gone through some serious traumatic experiences. I hope you are able to find peace and comfort.

Last year, I had the best Mother's day. My baby was here, CBS news did a story about our family to raise awareness from SMA and highlight us as an "Inspirational Family" which aired on Mother's Day, I got lots of flowers, I felt loved and my heart was full.

This year, CBS did a follow-up story thanks to Avery's Bucket List who brought SMA to the news headlines. CBS has done a wonderful job covering our story and helping me raise awareness for SMA. Here is the video from this year with photography by Tessa Marie:
Here's the link if you want to read the full story.
It was really hard to watch Skylar in a video, alive and breathing with life in those big blue eyes of hers... I was able to see her. Something I've longed for since the day we buried her. I've found flowers and ice cream (or Yoforia frozen yogurt) are my comforts as I've added potted flowers all around our patio and front porch. I already had a hummingbird come visit, which was a nice reminder of Skylar. We called her our little hummingbird because her heart would beat so fast. Dragonflies and butterflies also remind me of her for some reason so I've made sure to get potted plants that will attract them as well :) Gardening is therapeutic for me and allows me to nurture and mother again.

One of these days, we will feel it's the right time to adopt and we look forward to becoming parents again. For now, we're still parents, but just without a physical child and trying to enjoy the time we have as a couple again. Adopting will never replace Skylar or heal the hurt we still have, but will allow us to have a family again and love a child unconditionally as our own, the way that God loves us.

Blessings to all you moms out there. It is sometimes a difficult and thankless job that most people don't fully appreciate, but that's not why we do it. However, it is nice to be thanked and appreciated for what you do so hopefully you had a wonderful Mother's Day and felt very loved. Peace.


  1. I hope each day is a bit easier coping. You are trully an inspiration for many people.

  2. i love your blog i recently(like today) started a blog on my own it's still in the works and i just wanted to say i truly admire your blog!